Missing Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg
1968 – 2005

• Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

• If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

• What are you drinking? Nyquil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

• My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

• I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

• I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole." "When are you leaving?" "As soon as I regain my equilibrium!".

• I saw a dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphasis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over."

• I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

• I saw a lady on t.v. she was born without arms, literally, she was born with her hand attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, 'Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't. And that to me was kinda worse... in away... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions, its very simple Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letters, you put a coma in there and you raise it up!

• You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together."

• You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

-wiki