To Infinity and Beyond

A stroll through failed prophecies-to-be
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March 26, 2007 CE - Let's stop off for a little prophetic nosh from that bastion of credibility, The Weekly World News. It seems that on the stroke of the 7th hour of the 7th day of the 7th Hebrew month of 2007, (that would be Nisan, calculating from Tishri, which falls in September of 2006) Jesus will simulcast his big comeback in every capital city in the world. The WWN doesn't bother to say what sort of deal the Boss's kid makes for the smaller markets or anyone who still doesn't get cable.

April 29, 2007 CE - With New World Order nonsense running like a tape loop through his tiny mind, Pat Robertson once again prophesies a “collapse of the Gentile powers” and the rise of a millennial Christ-o-thon for this date. Using the literary works of loony-toon white supremacist writers Nesta Webster and Eustace Mullins as his inspiration, Patsy concocts another paranoid End Time scenario in his tread-worn tome “The New Millennium”. Any bets on what date he'll be pointing to by April 30?

September 12-13, 2007 CE - Marilyn Agee flails about for yet another date and comes up with this one for her End of the Age/New Abridged Trib and Rapture combo. A completist, she also pins down...

April 6-May 31, 2008 CE - ...as the Second Coming/Armageddon due date. No point in feeling bad for her when this date fails just like the rest. Like all others of her ilk, where Doomsdays are concerned, Mar’s got a million of ‘em.

Any ol’ time between 1999 and 2009 CE - When Jerry Falwell isn’t manfully hunting down such threats to American society as homosexual Teletubbies, he can often be found inserting both of his own feet and any available others into his mouth on the subject of the Antichrist. This time, the sheep manure spewing from his lips had to do with his belief that the Antichrist was almost certainly already alive and plotting and, most importantly,...a Jew. When called on this prize stupidity, he did back down and apologize. Though it was clear that the popular pinhead hadn’t the vaguest notion exactly what it was he was apologizing for.