You're Going Straight to Hell

Betty Bowers' recent offering:

Being America's Best Christian, I have, of course, been exposed to many hours of Christian Music. Being also a woman of exemplary taste, I have never been the one to initiate such an appalling aural subjection. To my mind, so-called Christian Music is too narrowly tailored. It seems to always be touting weak-kneed liberal pap about how Jesus purportedly loves everyone. Well, as any True Christian can tell you, the Lord has told us that the road to Heaven is narrow and while many are called, few are choosen. In other words, it is clearly God's plan that most people should be consigned to an eternity in an imminently disagreeable Hell. Most Christian music, however, ignores a potentially vast audience that needs to hear the "Good News:" That they are going straight to Hell.

To remedy this oversight, I sat down at my Steinway and the Holy Ghost and I wrote a new song (actually, He just pecked out a few arpeggios with His beak): "You're Going Straight To Hell." Now, the vast majority of people who God will ultimately damn can enjoy their speedy descent whistling a tune written just for them!

You're going straight to Hell
Because you don't believe
In my imaginary friend
Who lives in the sky
And truly loves you so!
Well, even though
He is gonna have you tortured when you die

-etc-